For the last few years, every morning, my alarm goes off at 5 AM. It’s not that it takes me an exceptionally long time to get ready for work, it’s that I have things to do before my things to do. I get down to the business of mindset work and study first thing in the morning. Coffee, journal, Bible, books, all surround me, as I prepare myself for whatever flows my way in the early hours before sunrise.
I love, love, love the Youversion Bible app and it’s the first thing I open before anything else, to write out the scripture of the day and the thoughts that follow from the short devotional. I have found it to be extremely practical for learning and studying and digging deeper into the Bible. I have read through hundreds of their daily reading plans and recommend it highly. I truly look forward to this exercise in the morning and have done it consistently, daily, committed to the routine for years. Pouring out my heart and mind on the paper helps me communicate, learn, and grow. The discipline of it helps me to learn and mature, in my desire to become the very best version of myself.
Today in my morning journal process, I have felt for the first time, the deepest grief. I realize I’m lost and I’ve been blind to it until today. Tackling to do lists, moving and settling in, were a priority over the past few months. Then came the holidays and birthdays, the busyness of that season. I’ve been so exhausted and fatigued, like I am made of concrete. I guess the fog of shock is wearing off, perhaps, and I am awakening to the grief over what has come to an end. I find myself retreating every day, leaving home later and coming home earlier. I have a craving for comfort and security, although I still feel like a stranger in my own home, not really fitting in or finding comfort wherever I go. I’m assuming that this is a normal part of divorce. Facing the reality that your life has made an abrupt turn in a totally different direction. There is some relief to the stress of a strained marriage, but there is also sadness over what has been lost.
I see now that writing is truly a comfort source for me, where I feel most at home. I take my book with me everywhere I go. I can be honest, real, and heard. It’s where I can gain a stronger faith and, in turn, strength from that faith. Digging deeper into God‘s word, finding peace and comfort in it, is my lifeline right now. Doing my best to find gratitude for what I have, whatever small amount of strength that is left, seems to help, as well. It refocuses my mindset to a brighter place. Writing those things I’m grateful for brings them to life.
It can be hard to heal and recover when we have to go on facing work, paying bills, and surviving. The busyness of it all can be a good distraction, but the exhaustion from grief and upheaval can make those things a real challenge. I don’t have a very large circle of trust and support. Very few people know of my situation, as I’m guarded and private, not trusting many people with the details. I, as you probably can relate, have been burned over the years, sharing details with the wrong people. It becomes fodder for gossip, office and bleacher talk, changing relationships with others for the worse. So rather than lightening your load, it actually heaps on more problems that you didn’t anticipate. Therefore, a trusted friend is a keyword in the sharing of information.
That is why journaling can be so healing. It’s a way to pour out your heart, confidentially and freely, healing through the power of the pen. It helps to untangle the words and emotions in our head, calms the anxiety in our heart and hopefully, over time, heals all wounds of the disaster we’ve been through. But I make certain that I start the process by writing out, long hand, a verse of the day. It helps me set off in the right direction, with a God-centered focus.
Today’s verse, “whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor, “ from Proverbs 21:21, gives me a feeling that I do have some control over the outcome in my life. The wisdom of Solomon tells me that if I keep on keeping on, doing what’s right and loving others, then maybe, just maybe, things will turn out OK.
What about you? Do you find comfort in journaling? Do you have a morning routine that starts with Him?
A FRUITFUL LEGACY 